


one of many winters

by hongpikachu



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-breakup, Songfic, but not too sure, just read it to know heheh, non-au, post-disbandment, well you can consider it a semi-AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 12:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12983847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongpikachu/pseuds/hongpikachu
Summary: It was like a summer love: you feel like nothing could go wrong and that the world is yours to own, yet it had a deadline, an expiry date. Their expiry date was when they disbanded. The thoughts were like poison to him, driving him one step closer to a breakdown everytime he remembers Wanna One, everytime he remembers the lover who he held for a short time, everytime he remembers Ha Sungwoon.





	one of many winters

**Author's Note:**

> song reference: Minah (Girl's Day) – 11°

_The smell of the cold wind_  
_Makes me think of that day I was with you_  
_It hurts as if it happened just yesterday_  
_I thought of you more today_

 

Winter has never been Seongwoo’s favorite season, yet he finds himself staring blankly at the falling snowflakes that pass by the practice room’s window. Not once had he been excited for the cold weather for he knows that it makes him feel more sluggish, which can be bad for his career.

 

He wants to dance, to sing, to be an idol, that’s all he has ever thought of ever since he found direction and inspiration during his youth. Luckily, he was able to do so for a short time, yet as short as it was, it was still precious for him. The experience was exhilarating, overwhelming to have been able to break records and gain achievements in a fortnight. As temporary as they were, they were a force to be reckoned with.

 

And it was exactly on a winter’s day, the falling of the first snow, when they spent their last days together. And today in the lonely practice room, Seongwoo finds himself reminiscing, hating himself to bring up such memories. A part of him curses the agency as to why he was the only one they sent (even though they told him countless times that he was the most prepared for it).

 

A part of him loathed how he allowed himself to fall in love with someone from the group.

 

It was like a summer love: you feel like nothing could go wrong and that the world is yours to own, yet it had a deadline, an expiry date. Their expiry date was when they disbanded. The thoughts were like poison to him, driving him one step closer to a breakdown everytime he remembers Wanna One, everytime he remembers the lover who he held for a short time, everytime he remembers Ha Sungwoon.

 

Yet tonight, in the cold and lonely practice room, he warms himself up by dancing to the songs they used to perform. Sungwoon’s smile crosses his mind for the first time in a long time, and his heart aches once more.

 

 _I can’t remember you anymore_  
_But I can’t throw out the clothes you left behind_  
_I don’t think I can fall asleep_  
_I thought of you more today_  


 

A memory that was a handful of years ago was something that was a blur to him. Seongwoo remembers the good times, the laughs, the little things like sneaking off to convenience stores when the rest of the world is asleep to having make fools of themselves on the camera to give the audience and themselves a bunch of laughs. He remembers the adrenaline, the trophies, the times he sees their songs chart on number one in real-time charts.

 

But if you ask him about Sungwoon, he would always, always try to digress. To remember every date spent holding hands in secret while making their way to schedules, the late night drunk confessions and stolen kisses in bathrooms, and even having to give excuses to others as to why they switched shirts, it was torture in the sweetest form.

 

Tonight, he gets home from practice and finishes a long shower, contemplating if he should continue pursuing his dream or not (seeing as Fantagio only gives him acting gigs and a handful of advertisement shoots and music video cameos), and give himself a few hours of sleep to catch up with what his body needs. He mindlessly reaches for a blue tee, slipping it on and flopping on the bed.

 

It was one of their Produce 101 uniform shirts with their names imprinted on the back and a huge crown on the center. The back of his mind begs to the high heavens that his senses aren’t playing tricks on him because the scent of the fabric wasn’t his usual detergent and the hem of the shirt doesn't seem to hang lower than he remembers it. And he could have always checked the name, yet he would be too scared to do so.

 

He turns to the side, pulling the blanket higher up to give his exposed skin more warmth in the cold night, pressing his nose on the rough sheets just to get himself to forget how Sungwoon’s shirts smell like. His thoughts wander, trying to remember as to how he managed to even have kept one of the older’s shirts and how much more he’s kept hidden in his closet.

 

Sungwoon clouds his thoughts once more and leaves him restless for the night.

 

 

 _Did I think of you because I miss you?_  
_Did I miss you because I thought of you?_  
_If only I knew, I would’ve held onto you_  
_When will I get over you?_

 

 

Today was a slow day for Seongwoo, without having to do much for the day except for a few magazine shoots and short interviews. To find himself walking once more on the rooms of where he used to do a shoot with eleven boys before was a shot of nostalgia to him.

 

His daily routine starts off as per usual: wake up, clean self, get dressed, get hair done, and follow what the manager says. As of the moment, the salon seat feels quite new even though it’s where he’s always been sent for grooming before a shoot. It was all silence save for a few moments of small talk from his usual stylist. When he was done, he headed out and yet he could have sworn a familiar scent and a familiar figure was passing by.  A crowd of people greeted the stylists shortly and of the chorus of voices he recognizes a familiar pitch.

 

He walks away before any of them could notice, before he changes his mind and turns back to who he used to call home.

 

“Sungwoon-ah, Seongwoo was just here not too long ago, did you see him on the way,” he manages to overhear the conversation. He wonders if things turned out of the best, if he chose to fight for Sungwoon and hold on, would he have been greeted by a smile today?

 

A bitter smile forms on his lips, taking a few hesitant steps away while holding his tears. Ruining his make-up for the day over what could not be doesn’t deem to be worth it.

 

 

_Will you be listening to this song?_  
_I’m sure you don’t think of me anymore_  
_Are you with someone better than me?_

 

Seongwoo tries to get things off his chest through lyric writing. However, all he could write are questions that he’s always wanted to ask Sungwoon, who’s now having a successful career and is preparing for a world tour with his group. Of course, he’d probably have no time to even think about Seongwoo, who’s alternately stuck in the four walls of the practice room and four corners of a magazine spread. Despite promising to make it together, they ended up quite differently, and yet Seongwoo has never did resented Sungwoon. Yet one question lingers on his head.

 

Has Sungwoon moved on after their fleeting love, or does he still find himself thinking of Seongwoo from time to time? Were his feelings serious, or was it just something that was an experiment. As much as he knows how only the older can truthfully answer those questions, his head plants bitter pills on the edge of his lips and Seongwoo is so much as willing to swallow them all down and think that maybe, just maybe, he’s the only one stuck in this loop of despair and longing.

 

The pen falls down and the paper only gets filled with three lines, not even a full stanza.

 

He didn’t want to think that he was the only one in love.

 

 

 _I think the weather was like this_  
_When I put my hand in your warm pocket_  
_My hand remembers you_

 

 

Before he knows it, it was winter again and his feet leave footprints on the snow. On days like this, he would have preferred to stay inside and practice until he’s covered in sweat and his blood flows, but he was given a free day instead that involved anything other than schedules and practice.

 

He finds himself standing in front of a familiar house, whose lights were off and surroundings lightly maintained. Seongwoo knows that he shouldn’t be here. He promised himself to be strong and not go back alone no matter what happens, but who is he to be blamed when he was alone and had no one to share his sentiments with?

 

The inside was a bit dusty than when the group last came here to gather, yet the things were still in their proper places and the sheets on the small bedrooms straightened, probably Minhyun’s doing when he visited here. But the place is still the same as he remembers it.

 

Nothing much of the zero base has changed.

 

He looks intently at the faded letters of Sungwoon’s name, calling out to him to come closer. And come closer he does. He looks around and feels how empty it was without the multitude of products that Sungwoon brings with him. Thankfully, he keeps a spare electric blanket in here for in case one wants to sleep over (and he feels his heart skip a beat at the memory of how thoughtful his Sungwoonie hyung is).

 

Without thinking about it much, he slips his figure in the makeshift bed, turning on the electric blanket, and waiting for its warmth to spread. For the meantime, he keeps his hands in his coat pocket and a memory hits him once more.

 

He might have chugged down too much alcohol at that time, but he recalls sleeping next to Sungwoon on their first Christmas in the base, a small hand joining his in his coat pocket because the older of the two complained that the body heat is still not warm enough. To have a hand to hold during winter to keep each other warm, it was a fond memory that Seongwoo couldn’t afford to forget.

 

Even until today, he remembers every inch, every curve, every line on Sungwoon’s hand.

 

He remembers the warmth it radiates.

 

And he drifts off to sleep while relishing in the illusion of the warmth.

 

 

_Without that person knowing, will you think of me just once?_  
_Even if you’re with someone else_  
_My pride didn’t let me realize you were leaving_  
_I didn’t even know_

 

 

The next time he visits the secret base was when they celebrate Jisung’s discharge from the army.

 

Being one with looser schedules, he was one of the first few to arrive along with Jinyoung, Woojin, Daehwi, and Jaehwan. A lot has seemed to change yet at the same time it felt like nothing changed at all, smiling and laughing like the old times and catching up, teasing each other with who’s the sunbae and who’s the hoobae.

 

The other members arrive one by one, and when Sungwoon finally entered the room, he just had to thank his experience in acting for being able to hide how he obviously hitched a breath. Not once did he ever imagine that he’d be seeing his former lover again, and yet life has so much twists and surprises underneath its sleeve.

 

He gives himself and Sungwoon a nonexistent pat on the back for being good at pretending that nothing has ever happened to them. And also for the fact that they never raised suspicion to anyone despite not having been speaking to each other aside from the “hi”s and “hello”s.

 

And yet he wasn’t satisfied. A part of him wanted to be selfish. A part of him wanted to hear his name coming out of Sungwoon’s lips again. He wanted to at least know that he crosses Sungwoon’s mind, to know if there were any questions Sungwoon had for him.

 

But time was short and they were all busy people, and they had to go their own separate lives.

 

He pretends he didn’t see Sungwoon leave the door.

 

He pretends that Sungwoon has never happened in his life at all.

 

As for Sungwoon, he pretends that he hasn’t been waiting to be addressed by Seongwoo at all.

 

 

_The smell of the cold wind_  
_Makes me think of that day I was with you_  
_It hurts as if it happened just yesterday_  
_When will you…_

 

 

Loud music that was blaring from the studio seemed to be muffled and distorted when being listened to at the terrace. Seongwoo never would have thought that after three years of waiting he would be able to debut doing what he loves the most. Late as he was, he’s finally following his dream of being a singer, an idol, and yet it still seemed like a dream.

 

He remembers picking the third-place seat, soon donning pink sweaters and jerseys, to finally being able to stand on stage as eleven hopefuls who had the same dream. Again, on a winter day, he remembers Ha Sungwoon, and he remembers why he never liked the season.

 

Small flakes of snow fall atop his head, and then on his hand. Cold seeped through his skin, spreading like a ripple, and yet none of it manages to make him flinch unlike the pang he feels on his chest. It’s another of many winters where he spends most of his time remembering Sungwoon, but the heartache still feels like they parted just yesterday on a New Year’s Eve.

 

A flake slowly melts on his cheek and he found himself hissing, the tingle reminiscent of the way Sungwoon’s skin left currents on his cheeks whenever he cried in secret. He left a blanket of warmth atop his bare and freezing hand everytime he gets to hold it.

 

It has been one of many other winters when he finds himself wonder when he will ever be free.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaand it's been a while since i wrote angst hello there! i'm here to give another rarepair heartache and this one's dedicated to my favorite ongwoon pulp squeezer, miss Ain! i hope i did justice to the ship! 
> 
> if you wanna scream about rarepairs with me you can find me on twitter (@jihwannaone) ^^


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